There could be many reasons you find yourself single: be it through divorce, death, or abandonment. If it is through divorce, you may or may not have custody of the child, but this page is still for you! All four categories will be touched upon briefly in this section.
Single Through Death
This is obviously an incredibly difficult situation for you and for your child(ren). First and foremost, get help. There are numerous support groups for people trying to deal with the death of a spouse. As men, we will rarely seek assistance, mainly because we don't want to be vulnerable. If you talk about your late spouse, it may make you cry, and we do not want people to see us cry. Crying is remarkably cathartic, however, as it lets out pent-up emotion. This pent-up emotion can be misinterpreted by our mind as rage, and therefore be released on someone both unsuspecting and undeserving. You may be thinking that you have cried when you were by yourself. Good, then the chances are less that you will do it when in a group or one-on-one atmosphere. The key is, though, to deal with it. You cannot forget the death happened, or just ignore it, because it will not just go away. No man is an island. Do not go through this alone. Many men think that they need to be strong for their child and not let him/her see them cry. There is faulty thinking with that notion on two counts. First of all, children need to see their father show emotions - that is how they learn to respond to the world. Happy or sad, disappointed or surprised, they need to see that you are not without feeling. They will learn to respond appropriately (assuming you do!) and learn that it is OK to have these feelings. Secondly, the child will have trouble coming to grips with the mother's death if they think you are indifferent towards it. Showing no emotion can easily be perceived as apathy. The child will learn to be apathetic and will likely hold human life in less regard. Always remember that children are like sponges - they will absorb whatever it is that you emanate, be it good or bad, and will reproduce it later. Finally, do not be afraid to tell your child about his/her mother. Extol her good qualities, let him/her know what Mom was like and how proud she would have been of him/her. Share memories through pictures, videos and stories. They may be hard to get through, but your child still needs to know his/her mother. Most importantly of all, be available for your child. He/she might need to talk about Mom, or ask questions about how. Answer these truthfully, but tactfully. Also, like any father, single or not, continue giving your child your time.
Single Through Abandonment
This is a more rare situation, because most mothers will not leave their children. But it does happen. The difference between this category and divorce is that the mother is no longer in the picture. Again, you need to accept this. Anger directed toward her is more likely to be felt. That is why I have included this as a separate category. You need to feel this anger, but you must express it appropriately. Never speak poorly of your children's mother, no matter what. You might say that you are not sure why she left. Showing resentment can have negative effects on your child in numerous ways. First of all, speaking poorly of your child's mother is indirectly speaking poorly of your child. After all, she bore them and is part of them. Secondly, your daughter might translate some of your negativity to herself. It is not uncommon for people in this situation to use the defence mechanism of 'splitting'. In this case it means seeing all women as out to hurt men, or feeling anger towards all women or expressing that all women are irresponsible. You daughter is a female, too. Be cautious you do not say anything that will make her feel less about herself. she is going through a hard time, too. Your son might translate some of this negativity to all women in general (again, the 'splitting' mechanism). If he learns to dislike women, or feel anger towards them at an early age, the anger will escalate and cause significant damage for his future relationships. Undoubtedly, you are feeling angry, but keep your emotions in check! Affirm your child's sadness. Express that you are also sad, but reassure that you are not going to leave. This is crucial. The child is feeling very confused and insecure right now, and you are the one to make him/her feel more secure. Much like any reason for being single, you need to deal with your loss, and not push it away. And as I will say at the end of every section, continue to give you child your time.
Single Through Divorce - You Maintain Primary Custody
I decided to go with this one next because it is very similar to the last one, but certainly not the same. The mother has input in the child's life, but is around you most often. Much like the last one, do not speak ill of your child's mother. Most likely, your child still loves her and will feel torn between the two of you. That is a completely unfair position to put him/her in! Your child is not a pawn and should certainly not be treated as one. You can tell your child that you had difficulty getting along. Be extremely judicious when talking to your child about the situation. Do not lay blame on anyone, and reassure your child that it is most definitely not his/her fault, because that is likely what he/she is thinking. Give your child a stable home, and always make them feel wanted. Communicate with their mother that you both need to observe these practices of not speaking ill of each other, and not using the child as a pawn. If you can both agree, things will be much easier. If you suspect that she is still doing these things, don't get back at her by reciprocating. Maintain your stance and your integrity. Your child will learn integrity through you and respect you even more. Calling your ex-wife names will not lessen your child's opinion of her, but it might lessen your child's opinion of you. Finally, do not restrict your children's access to their mother (under normal circumstances), as they still need a female's input in their lives. And don't forget to continue to give your child your time.
Single Through Divorce - You Do Not Have Primary Custody
Everything said in the last category applies here, too. There are, however, some extra notables. Most fathers in this situation will try to make up for their decreased presence in the child's life by giving gifts, breaking rules when the child is with them (like bedtime and sweets), just to make the child like them more. Children pick up on this remarkably quickly and will use it to their advantage. It is also a bad idea because children need consistency. Communicate with your ex-wife and, between the two of you, establish common rules and stick with them. Never allow living arrangements to become a favouritism contest. Be sensitive to your child's needs. If they have a birthday party on the weekend they are to visit you, let them go. Maybe you can drive them there and pick them up, or you can make arrangements for another day. Do not make your child resent having to see you. When the child is scheduled to visit you, make the time meaningful. No babysitters, no work, just you and your child. Treasure the time you get. When there are special events such as recitals, school plays, or even swimming lessons, make sure you are there, even if it is not your day to have custody. Let them know that you care all the time and not just when you have them. Another good idea is try to make yourself available to accompany your child on a class trip - just like any other parent. When it is all said and done, you are still a parent to your child, you still have a responsibility to your child, and your child still loves you. Whenever you are physically able, make your child your number one priority, and continue to give your child your time.
You might have noticed through all of these categories that there are common themes: try not to disrupt your child's life as much as possible, respect your (ex) wife, and give your child your time. Remember to respect your child by never using him/her as a pawn or bargaining chip. Finally, be honest, but tactful with your child. Your child still has a lot to learn from you and will learn from how you deal with whatever situation you are in.
Single Through Death
This is obviously an incredibly difficult situation for you and for your child(ren). First and foremost, get help. There are numerous support groups for people trying to deal with the death of a spouse. As men, we will rarely seek assistance, mainly because we don't want to be vulnerable. If you talk about your late spouse, it may make you cry, and we do not want people to see us cry. Crying is remarkably cathartic, however, as it lets out pent-up emotion. This pent-up emotion can be misinterpreted by our mind as rage, and therefore be released on someone both unsuspecting and undeserving. You may be thinking that you have cried when you were by yourself. Good, then the chances are less that you will do it when in a group or one-on-one atmosphere. The key is, though, to deal with it. You cannot forget the death happened, or just ignore it, because it will not just go away. No man is an island. Do not go through this alone. Many men think that they need to be strong for their child and not let him/her see them cry. There is faulty thinking with that notion on two counts. First of all, children need to see their father show emotions - that is how they learn to respond to the world. Happy or sad, disappointed or surprised, they need to see that you are not without feeling. They will learn to respond appropriately (assuming you do!) and learn that it is OK to have these feelings. Secondly, the child will have trouble coming to grips with the mother's death if they think you are indifferent towards it. Showing no emotion can easily be perceived as apathy. The child will learn to be apathetic and will likely hold human life in less regard. Always remember that children are like sponges - they will absorb whatever it is that you emanate, be it good or bad, and will reproduce it later. Finally, do not be afraid to tell your child about his/her mother. Extol her good qualities, let him/her know what Mom was like and how proud she would have been of him/her. Share memories through pictures, videos and stories. They may be hard to get through, but your child still needs to know his/her mother. Most importantly of all, be available for your child. He/she might need to talk about Mom, or ask questions about how. Answer these truthfully, but tactfully. Also, like any father, single or not, continue giving your child your time.
Single Through Abandonment
This is a more rare situation, because most mothers will not leave their children. But it does happen. The difference between this category and divorce is that the mother is no longer in the picture. Again, you need to accept this. Anger directed toward her is more likely to be felt. That is why I have included this as a separate category. You need to feel this anger, but you must express it appropriately. Never speak poorly of your children's mother, no matter what. You might say that you are not sure why she left. Showing resentment can have negative effects on your child in numerous ways. First of all, speaking poorly of your child's mother is indirectly speaking poorly of your child. After all, she bore them and is part of them. Secondly, your daughter might translate some of your negativity to herself. It is not uncommon for people in this situation to use the defence mechanism of 'splitting'. In this case it means seeing all women as out to hurt men, or feeling anger towards all women or expressing that all women are irresponsible. You daughter is a female, too. Be cautious you do not say anything that will make her feel less about herself. she is going through a hard time, too. Your son might translate some of this negativity to all women in general (again, the 'splitting' mechanism). If he learns to dislike women, or feel anger towards them at an early age, the anger will escalate and cause significant damage for his future relationships. Undoubtedly, you are feeling angry, but keep your emotions in check! Affirm your child's sadness. Express that you are also sad, but reassure that you are not going to leave. This is crucial. The child is feeling very confused and insecure right now, and you are the one to make him/her feel more secure. Much like any reason for being single, you need to deal with your loss, and not push it away. And as I will say at the end of every section, continue to give you child your time.
Single Through Divorce - You Maintain Primary Custody
I decided to go with this one next because it is very similar to the last one, but certainly not the same. The mother has input in the child's life, but is around you most often. Much like the last one, do not speak ill of your child's mother. Most likely, your child still loves her and will feel torn between the two of you. That is a completely unfair position to put him/her in! Your child is not a pawn and should certainly not be treated as one. You can tell your child that you had difficulty getting along. Be extremely judicious when talking to your child about the situation. Do not lay blame on anyone, and reassure your child that it is most definitely not his/her fault, because that is likely what he/she is thinking. Give your child a stable home, and always make them feel wanted. Communicate with their mother that you both need to observe these practices of not speaking ill of each other, and not using the child as a pawn. If you can both agree, things will be much easier. If you suspect that she is still doing these things, don't get back at her by reciprocating. Maintain your stance and your integrity. Your child will learn integrity through you and respect you even more. Calling your ex-wife names will not lessen your child's opinion of her, but it might lessen your child's opinion of you. Finally, do not restrict your children's access to their mother (under normal circumstances), as they still need a female's input in their lives. And don't forget to continue to give your child your time.
Single Through Divorce - You Do Not Have Primary Custody
Everything said in the last category applies here, too. There are, however, some extra notables. Most fathers in this situation will try to make up for their decreased presence in the child's life by giving gifts, breaking rules when the child is with them (like bedtime and sweets), just to make the child like them more. Children pick up on this remarkably quickly and will use it to their advantage. It is also a bad idea because children need consistency. Communicate with your ex-wife and, between the two of you, establish common rules and stick with them. Never allow living arrangements to become a favouritism contest. Be sensitive to your child's needs. If they have a birthday party on the weekend they are to visit you, let them go. Maybe you can drive them there and pick them up, or you can make arrangements for another day. Do not make your child resent having to see you. When the child is scheduled to visit you, make the time meaningful. No babysitters, no work, just you and your child. Treasure the time you get. When there are special events such as recitals, school plays, or even swimming lessons, make sure you are there, even if it is not your day to have custody. Let them know that you care all the time and not just when you have them. Another good idea is try to make yourself available to accompany your child on a class trip - just like any other parent. When it is all said and done, you are still a parent to your child, you still have a responsibility to your child, and your child still loves you. Whenever you are physically able, make your child your number one priority, and continue to give your child your time.
You might have noticed through all of these categories that there are common themes: try not to disrupt your child's life as much as possible, respect your (ex) wife, and give your child your time. Remember to respect your child by never using him/her as a pawn or bargaining chip. Finally, be honest, but tactful with your child. Your child still has a lot to learn from you and will learn from how you deal with whatever situation you are in.