Why Bother?
What exactly does that mean—”getting involved”? That is a question that seems simple, yet is not so easily answered. Mainly because there is positive involvement, and negative involvement. What is easy to answer is why should I, as a father, become more involved? Because your child does not just want your attention, your child craves your attention. Unfortunately, some children feel it necessary to get it through negative means. Any child would prefer positive attention, but after trying, unsuccessfully, for awhile, they will take negative attention. Any kind is better than nothing. It is sad that some children feel the need to behave in an antisocial manner, just to gain their father’s attention. This is the theme of numerous movies and television shows (e.g. “The General’s Daughter”, “Return of the King”, Law & Order Episodes).
The attention you give your child now, or do not give your child, will make a huge difference in their development in the future. It is an investment in your kids and their future, and your own. You can either collect interest—or pay it!
Girls
It is actually quite surprising and shocking just how much control a father can have over his daughter. The attention you either give her or don’t will have direct ramifications on her teenage personality. A lack of attention usually leads to promiscuity, older boyfriends, over-indulgence in drugs, alcohol and smoking, as well as behaviour problems in school. Lots of positive attention from a young age usually results in healthy relationships, complete with positive choices, better attentiveness at school, and fewer issues with sex, drugs, alcohol and smoking. Why? Because she will not be looking for something to fill the void that isn’t there!
Boys
Boys similarly crave the father’s attention, and will try to get it through negative behaviour, if necessary. Boys who do not receive much attention from father are more likely to engage in criminal activity, over-indulge in drugs, alcohol and smoking, and are more likely to impregnate a girl at a young age. There are a couple of possible reasons for this: First, they do not know any different—you didn’t spend time with them to teach them properly. Secondly, by getting in trouble, they are forcing your attention. Conversely, similar to girls, boys who are given proper attention are much more likely to pay better attention at school, since they have their need for attention met. These boys also feel less need to make poor choices when it comes to sex, drugs, alcohol and smoking.
Why is This?
To explain this, one need only look at Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Maslow suggested that people all have needs that must be met. Until the needs at the bottom of the hierarchy are met, the next level up is irrelevant. In Canada, the vast majority of us have our physiological needs met already, allowing us to focus on the next level up (refer to diagram in previous column). Safety is rarely an issue for most of us, also. Interestingly enough, the next level is the social needs. If your child feels like he or she belongs in your family and is loved, then that need is effectively met. If not, however, then they will be focussed on meeting that need before the others above it, and will look elsewhere for it. This will come at the expense of their own self-respect, their attentiveness at school and their reputation, as those are part of the next level—the next level about which they are not concerned until the social level is met. Unfortunately, one’s true social needs cannot be met through drugs, alcohol, tobacco and sex, leaving the child searching.
What Do I Do?
Give of your time. Attend your child’s events. Ask them how their day was at school—and actually listen to their response. Have a regular special night together, just the two of you. Give of your time. Show interest in them as people. Show interest in their activities. Know their friends and teachers. Be willing to discipline. Talk to them. Find an activity you can do together. Laugh together. Love them. Give of your time.
Give of Your Time
This seems like such a simple thing to do, but why do so many of us fail at it? Busyness is one primary reason. Kids are less concerned about what you can buy them than how much time you will spend with them. This is actually something that puts the rich and poor on the same level, as time does not cost money, despite the saying. Really it is a matter of where your priorities are. While your time is valuable, kids understand that, because your time is more valuable to them than it is to you. It means a lot to a child to have an adult take an interest in them. Wouldn’t you rather be that adult? Be a father first... friend second.
What exactly does that mean—”getting involved”? That is a question that seems simple, yet is not so easily answered. Mainly because there is positive involvement, and negative involvement. What is easy to answer is why should I, as a father, become more involved? Because your child does not just want your attention, your child craves your attention. Unfortunately, some children feel it necessary to get it through negative means. Any child would prefer positive attention, but after trying, unsuccessfully, for awhile, they will take negative attention. Any kind is better than nothing. It is sad that some children feel the need to behave in an antisocial manner, just to gain their father’s attention. This is the theme of numerous movies and television shows (e.g. “The General’s Daughter”, “Return of the King”, Law & Order Episodes).
The attention you give your child now, or do not give your child, will make a huge difference in their development in the future. It is an investment in your kids and their future, and your own. You can either collect interest—or pay it!
Girls
It is actually quite surprising and shocking just how much control a father can have over his daughter. The attention you either give her or don’t will have direct ramifications on her teenage personality. A lack of attention usually leads to promiscuity, older boyfriends, over-indulgence in drugs, alcohol and smoking, as well as behaviour problems in school. Lots of positive attention from a young age usually results in healthy relationships, complete with positive choices, better attentiveness at school, and fewer issues with sex, drugs, alcohol and smoking. Why? Because she will not be looking for something to fill the void that isn’t there!
Boys
Boys similarly crave the father’s attention, and will try to get it through negative behaviour, if necessary. Boys who do not receive much attention from father are more likely to engage in criminal activity, over-indulge in drugs, alcohol and smoking, and are more likely to impregnate a girl at a young age. There are a couple of possible reasons for this: First, they do not know any different—you didn’t spend time with them to teach them properly. Secondly, by getting in trouble, they are forcing your attention. Conversely, similar to girls, boys who are given proper attention are much more likely to pay better attention at school, since they have their need for attention met. These boys also feel less need to make poor choices when it comes to sex, drugs, alcohol and smoking.
Why is This?
To explain this, one need only look at Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Maslow suggested that people all have needs that must be met. Until the needs at the bottom of the hierarchy are met, the next level up is irrelevant. In Canada, the vast majority of us have our physiological needs met already, allowing us to focus on the next level up (refer to diagram in previous column). Safety is rarely an issue for most of us, also. Interestingly enough, the next level is the social needs. If your child feels like he or she belongs in your family and is loved, then that need is effectively met. If not, however, then they will be focussed on meeting that need before the others above it, and will look elsewhere for it. This will come at the expense of their own self-respect, their attentiveness at school and their reputation, as those are part of the next level—the next level about which they are not concerned until the social level is met. Unfortunately, one’s true social needs cannot be met through drugs, alcohol, tobacco and sex, leaving the child searching.
What Do I Do?
Give of your time. Attend your child’s events. Ask them how their day was at school—and actually listen to their response. Have a regular special night together, just the two of you. Give of your time. Show interest in them as people. Show interest in their activities. Know their friends and teachers. Be willing to discipline. Talk to them. Find an activity you can do together. Laugh together. Love them. Give of your time.
Give of Your Time
This seems like such a simple thing to do, but why do so many of us fail at it? Busyness is one primary reason. Kids are less concerned about what you can buy them than how much time you will spend with them. This is actually something that puts the rich and poor on the same level, as time does not cost money, despite the saying. Really it is a matter of where your priorities are. While your time is valuable, kids understand that, because your time is more valuable to them than it is to you. It means a lot to a child to have an adult take an interest in them. Wouldn’t you rather be that adult? Be a father first... friend second.