When a father leads his family, as a father should do, there are many methods that are utilized. Two of the most popular methods each start with the letter ‘a’, and each has 13 letters. In fact, the first nine letters are identical. That, however, is where the similarities stop. These words are authoritarian and authoritative. Authoritarian can be defined as one who is controlling and severe, demanding blind obedience, asserting his power without warmth, understanding or communication, refusing to be questioned, and dishing out expectations with no intentions of reward. As many of you read this, you might be reminded of your father. On the flip side is a different version of the same root word. Authoritative can be defined as one having high levels of control that are fair and not rigid, giving explanations for punishments and restrictions, and eliciting and considering others’ opinions while maintaining ultimate deciding power. Hopefully, many who read this can see their own father fit into this definition. The two, while having similarities, are vastly different. As Steve Farrar, in King Me, states, “When fathers use authority they construct. When they become authoritarian they crush…”. Well said, Steve.
Although both styles implement levels of control that are on the high side, that cannot be perceived as a bad thing. I have long maintained that kids need firm rules and boundaries, and, in fact, desire them. It shows them you care about them. Children also need to see why those rules and boundaries exist – that is what parenting is all about. If they are not given the benefit of the teaching that goes along with the rules, then the rules are ridiculous to them – they do not benefit the child at all. When the children are given explanations behind the rules and boundaries, they learn and are significantly more likely to apply that learning to future situations. One can’t transfer knowledge to a new situation if one is not given the knowledge in the first place. Robert Hamrin suggests that “Fathers should teach our children principles and values that will help them develop an inner guidance system so they can function responsibly by themselves.” The authoritative father’s system does just that. That isn’t to imply that the child will understand or like the rules set in place, but the foundation for learning is there, and so is the transferability of the learning. The authoritarian father’s system is weak, because it may only work for the current event or situation. The child is never taught why that rule is in place and, therefore, is not given the opportunity to apply it to other situations.
Finally, what will likely come as no surprise to anybody, the authoritarian’s methods will almost always backfire. This type of fathering breeds anger and resentment in a child who feels unfairly treated. The child will almost always fight back in a way that will hit the father the hardest. I have a recent, real life example of this. I recently spoke with a student who has been involved in dangerous quantities and qualities of drugs. He was so well versed in drug terminology and estimating ounces and grams that I was actually quite impressed with his vocabulary and abilities. He had dealt high-end drugs, taken every kind of drug imaginable, had his life threatened by other dealers and overdosed on numerous occasions. His father ran his house with an authoritarian iron fist, just like he did his job. What was his job? A top cop in a nearby town. Having a son so deeply involved in drugs was a direct slap in the face to this man and his profession, which is almost definitely why this student chose this means of rebellion. If the father was an educator, the student most certainly would have rebelled by failing out. If the father was a pastor, the kid would have thought of creative ways to go directly against what his father preached. I have examples of all three in just my school alone. Each of these kids hate their fathers. Each father has an authoritarian personality. Real dads: guard against this type of fathering. Do a check to see if you may be there already. What do you value most? What would your family and those close to you think you value the most? Now look at your children. Are they displaying the opposite of your values? If they are, re-evaluate your methods, and parent for them. Again, Farrar boils it down to this: one leading with authority has concern for the other person, while one leading with authoritarianism only has concern for himself. Build your children up – don’t crush them.
Although both styles implement levels of control that are on the high side, that cannot be perceived as a bad thing. I have long maintained that kids need firm rules and boundaries, and, in fact, desire them. It shows them you care about them. Children also need to see why those rules and boundaries exist – that is what parenting is all about. If they are not given the benefit of the teaching that goes along with the rules, then the rules are ridiculous to them – they do not benefit the child at all. When the children are given explanations behind the rules and boundaries, they learn and are significantly more likely to apply that learning to future situations. One can’t transfer knowledge to a new situation if one is not given the knowledge in the first place. Robert Hamrin suggests that “Fathers should teach our children principles and values that will help them develop an inner guidance system so they can function responsibly by themselves.” The authoritative father’s system does just that. That isn’t to imply that the child will understand or like the rules set in place, but the foundation for learning is there, and so is the transferability of the learning. The authoritarian father’s system is weak, because it may only work for the current event or situation. The child is never taught why that rule is in place and, therefore, is not given the opportunity to apply it to other situations.
Finally, what will likely come as no surprise to anybody, the authoritarian’s methods will almost always backfire. This type of fathering breeds anger and resentment in a child who feels unfairly treated. The child will almost always fight back in a way that will hit the father the hardest. I have a recent, real life example of this. I recently spoke with a student who has been involved in dangerous quantities and qualities of drugs. He was so well versed in drug terminology and estimating ounces and grams that I was actually quite impressed with his vocabulary and abilities. He had dealt high-end drugs, taken every kind of drug imaginable, had his life threatened by other dealers and overdosed on numerous occasions. His father ran his house with an authoritarian iron fist, just like he did his job. What was his job? A top cop in a nearby town. Having a son so deeply involved in drugs was a direct slap in the face to this man and his profession, which is almost definitely why this student chose this means of rebellion. If the father was an educator, the student most certainly would have rebelled by failing out. If the father was a pastor, the kid would have thought of creative ways to go directly against what his father preached. I have examples of all three in just my school alone. Each of these kids hate their fathers. Each father has an authoritarian personality. Real dads: guard against this type of fathering. Do a check to see if you may be there already. What do you value most? What would your family and those close to you think you value the most? Now look at your children. Are they displaying the opposite of your values? If they are, re-evaluate your methods, and parent for them. Again, Farrar boils it down to this: one leading with authority has concern for the other person, while one leading with authoritarianism only has concern for himself. Build your children up – don’t crush them.