As a high school guidance counsellor, the last two weeks have been atrocious for me. The school board is cutting classes on us, leaving us with not enough spaces for our students. It has been a series of long 10-12 hour days, with no breaks – some days not even enough time to go to the washroom! My wife gets upset with me because I bring my unopened lunch home. I did look at the bag a couple of times – doesn’t that count?! Anyway, such long days full of kids wanting new timetables complete with their parents, has led to some musings. Over the last couple of weeks, I have seen numerous examples of fathering, much of it not very effective.
First, there is the permissive dad. One boy wanted to lower his math level because he wanted to be an actor, and actors “don’t have to do math to get into their program in college.” Fair enough, but the father had enough sense to point out that not many people actually make it as actors, and he should have something to fall back on, and by lowering his math level, he was closing doors. The son insisted. As I watched the father in a moment of internal struggle (do I give in and keep peace or show that I am boss in front of this other guy?), I tried to both bail him out and challenge him at the same time. I told the father that he has three options: he could hold his ground and make the decision, since the kid is under 18, the parent has last say, he could give in and let his kid make a rash, uninformed decision, or he could allow the kid to make his own choice and live with the consequences. Two and Three sound very much alike, I realize, but there are important differences. Giving in shows spinelessness. Allowing the boy to make his own decision but having to face the consequences for his decision, good or bad, is giving independence, but also articulates that the father doesn’t really agree with the decision. It’s all in presentation, how it is set up. The best choice? Personally, I think the first choice is likely the best – make the decision for him. The boy is still young and does not have the experience to make that decision on his own. He needs guidance (although that is my title, it is the parents’ responsibility). The third choice would be my back-up, allowing the kid to make his choice but telling him he must live with the consequences. The second option would come a distant third in my books. That is just showing the boy parental indifference.
Is it that big a decision to really matter? Yes and no. It really could have a bearing on his future, as the dad tried to communicate, however, the higher level math could be done later. What makes the process important is showing the child that his ways are not always the best ways, and sometimes he just has to trust his father’s experience and wisdom of years.
Which option did the father choose? Yes, I’m afraid he chose the second option and quietly allowed the boy to unsurgically remove another piece of what was remaining of his spine and authority. He wasn’t an aberration. Sadly, most of the parents I saw selected the same option.
A second father I encountered is the selfish father. This father came in and regaled me with stories of how hard he works, how much he knows about his line of work, and anecdotes about the number of “punk” employees he has both physically intimidated and fired. Impressive. The whole time, his daughter sat there, needing a course change. The process took 50 minutes, while others waited in line for 3 hours. Without dad, the process would have taken about 3 minutes. If he had let his daughter’s issue take precedence, things would have been expedited, and the daughter wouldn’t have left my office embarrassed. As it was, she was humiliated by her father’s bragging. And I was annoyed.
The point of this, if you have made it this far, is that there is a middle ground between these two types of fathers. You don’t have to be all about what your child wants nor do you have to be all about what you want. Meet in the middle and discuss the options with your child (preferably before you come into my office!). You may be surprised at how willing your child is to listen to you and take your advice. As mentioned in a previous email, children want directive and guidelines – it makes them feel both loved and safe.
So how should both fathers have handled the appointment? Allow their child to state their case and counter with their own (if there was disagreement). Then use their authority to make the final decision. Neither did, and the consequences for both situations could turn out poorly. They may not, but the chances are still good that the direct and collateral damage will be extensive. Dads: don’t let your kids perform surgery on your backbone, and don’t rip out theirs before it has a chance to develop.
First, there is the permissive dad. One boy wanted to lower his math level because he wanted to be an actor, and actors “don’t have to do math to get into their program in college.” Fair enough, but the father had enough sense to point out that not many people actually make it as actors, and he should have something to fall back on, and by lowering his math level, he was closing doors. The son insisted. As I watched the father in a moment of internal struggle (do I give in and keep peace or show that I am boss in front of this other guy?), I tried to both bail him out and challenge him at the same time. I told the father that he has three options: he could hold his ground and make the decision, since the kid is under 18, the parent has last say, he could give in and let his kid make a rash, uninformed decision, or he could allow the kid to make his own choice and live with the consequences. Two and Three sound very much alike, I realize, but there are important differences. Giving in shows spinelessness. Allowing the boy to make his own decision but having to face the consequences for his decision, good or bad, is giving independence, but also articulates that the father doesn’t really agree with the decision. It’s all in presentation, how it is set up. The best choice? Personally, I think the first choice is likely the best – make the decision for him. The boy is still young and does not have the experience to make that decision on his own. He needs guidance (although that is my title, it is the parents’ responsibility). The third choice would be my back-up, allowing the kid to make his choice but telling him he must live with the consequences. The second option would come a distant third in my books. That is just showing the boy parental indifference.
Is it that big a decision to really matter? Yes and no. It really could have a bearing on his future, as the dad tried to communicate, however, the higher level math could be done later. What makes the process important is showing the child that his ways are not always the best ways, and sometimes he just has to trust his father’s experience and wisdom of years.
Which option did the father choose? Yes, I’m afraid he chose the second option and quietly allowed the boy to unsurgically remove another piece of what was remaining of his spine and authority. He wasn’t an aberration. Sadly, most of the parents I saw selected the same option.
A second father I encountered is the selfish father. This father came in and regaled me with stories of how hard he works, how much he knows about his line of work, and anecdotes about the number of “punk” employees he has both physically intimidated and fired. Impressive. The whole time, his daughter sat there, needing a course change. The process took 50 minutes, while others waited in line for 3 hours. Without dad, the process would have taken about 3 minutes. If he had let his daughter’s issue take precedence, things would have been expedited, and the daughter wouldn’t have left my office embarrassed. As it was, she was humiliated by her father’s bragging. And I was annoyed.
The point of this, if you have made it this far, is that there is a middle ground between these two types of fathers. You don’t have to be all about what your child wants nor do you have to be all about what you want. Meet in the middle and discuss the options with your child (preferably before you come into my office!). You may be surprised at how willing your child is to listen to you and take your advice. As mentioned in a previous email, children want directive and guidelines – it makes them feel both loved and safe.
So how should both fathers have handled the appointment? Allow their child to state their case and counter with their own (if there was disagreement). Then use their authority to make the final decision. Neither did, and the consequences for both situations could turn out poorly. They may not, but the chances are still good that the direct and collateral damage will be extensive. Dads: don’t let your kids perform surgery on your backbone, and don’t rip out theirs before it has a chance to develop.