This is for fathers who have screwed up!
This is not intended for fathers who feel that their kids have gone astray and want to get them back on side. That is implying that the fault lies with them and you are just wanting to help them see the error of their ways. This is meant for fathers who have screwed up and driven their children away through bad parenting. This is for fathers who want to make amends with their kids. This is for fathers who are willing to admit that they made serious parenting mistakes. If you are still willing to read this and you think that it might be talking to you—read on! It is most useful for fathers of adult children or almost adult children, but any father can make use of this information. Reconnecting with your estranged kids can be the most gruelling, humbling procedure and, at the same time, hold the most wonderful consequences. This can be a most difficult process for men because we tend to be rather stubborn and have been taught that apologizing is a sign of weakness. You must be willing to throw that theory out the window. Noted psychologist, Albert Bandura, identified motivation as the fourth and final step to learning. If you are willing to learn how to get your relationship with your kids back, motivation must be the first step.
Motivation
If you want to salvage your relationship with your children, you must have proper motivation to do so. Are you looking to gain something for yourself in mending the relationship, or are you looking to make things better for both you and your children? Are you just embarrassed that your kids probably will not come to your retirement party or birthday celebration and everyone will see the strained relationship, or does the emotional distance between you and your kids really upset you? Search yourself and answer honestly, because if your motivation is weak and selfish, the process is tough and will not warrant the effort it will take, therefore prognosticating failure before you even begin. The motivation must be strong enough to withstand the process. If it is, you will almost assuredly be successful. Are you willing to give all to your child without expecting anything back in return? Remember, when you have been the one at fault, a mended relationship is a gift not earned, but given by your child out of mercy.
Pride and Selfishness
Ultimately, most failed father/child relationships revolve around pride and selfishness. You must be willing to abandon both of these vices for this process to work. They will ruin any relationship every time, and any trace of them will make a bad relationship worse. Ready? Take a deep breath…
1. Meet them on their turf. Invite them somewhere where they are comfortable, and doing an activity they enjoy, but where you can still talk (eg. A baseball game, fishing, dinner in a nice restaurant), and be prepared to foot the entire bill yourself.
2. Admit your wrongdoings. At an appropriate time, acknowledge the areas in which you have really screwed up, leaving nothing out. Be prepared for them to add to that list.
3. Apologize. Tell them you are sorry for each and every thing that you mentioned and that they mentioned. This is where the pride thing hurts the most. Do not argue with them. If they mention something for which you do not feel you should be found guilty, apologize for it anyway. You are not a good judge of what your child’s feelings are or should be. If they say it bothered them, it probably did! Allow them their time—this is about their feelings, not yours. It will certainly be difficult to keep your mouth shut at times, but if you defend yourself during this process, they will not see the humility or the sincerity of your apology, and you will have wasted your time.
4. Ask forgiveness. Have you ever been taught how to apologize and ask for forgiveness? Probably not. Practice this one in the mirror a few times before you try it when it counts. It is not easy. When you ask forgiveness for each and every item you apologized for, be prepared for your apology to not be accepted. Be prepared for your child to get angry with you and say some biting things. Respond with silence, and let them vent. These feelings have most likely been stored up for a long time. Your child may even leave. Whatever happens, do not look at it as failure. Depending on how bad you have screwed up, you cannot expect all the hurt to go away just like that.
5. Repeat the process. Continue to ask for forgiveness until it is granted. Perseverance pays. Even if it takes several meetings. Chances are they will forgive you eventually. They may just be testing your genuineness and sincerity. Every kid craves a good relationship with their father whether they admit or not. Be patient.
Follow up!
Let them see that you meant what you said. Now that you have the door of your relationship back open, work at removing the hinges so it cannot close again. Eliminate those things in your life for which you apologized. Never let your pride or selfishness rear its ugly head. Continue to seek opportunities to spend quality time with them—you may have a lot of catching up to do! Be cautious not to overdo it, especially if you have been removed from them for a long time. Now start being a father first...and a friend second.
This is not intended for fathers who feel that their kids have gone astray and want to get them back on side. That is implying that the fault lies with them and you are just wanting to help them see the error of their ways. This is meant for fathers who have screwed up and driven their children away through bad parenting. This is for fathers who want to make amends with their kids. This is for fathers who are willing to admit that they made serious parenting mistakes. If you are still willing to read this and you think that it might be talking to you—read on! It is most useful for fathers of adult children or almost adult children, but any father can make use of this information. Reconnecting with your estranged kids can be the most gruelling, humbling procedure and, at the same time, hold the most wonderful consequences. This can be a most difficult process for men because we tend to be rather stubborn and have been taught that apologizing is a sign of weakness. You must be willing to throw that theory out the window. Noted psychologist, Albert Bandura, identified motivation as the fourth and final step to learning. If you are willing to learn how to get your relationship with your kids back, motivation must be the first step.
Motivation
If you want to salvage your relationship with your children, you must have proper motivation to do so. Are you looking to gain something for yourself in mending the relationship, or are you looking to make things better for both you and your children? Are you just embarrassed that your kids probably will not come to your retirement party or birthday celebration and everyone will see the strained relationship, or does the emotional distance between you and your kids really upset you? Search yourself and answer honestly, because if your motivation is weak and selfish, the process is tough and will not warrant the effort it will take, therefore prognosticating failure before you even begin. The motivation must be strong enough to withstand the process. If it is, you will almost assuredly be successful. Are you willing to give all to your child without expecting anything back in return? Remember, when you have been the one at fault, a mended relationship is a gift not earned, but given by your child out of mercy.
Pride and Selfishness
Ultimately, most failed father/child relationships revolve around pride and selfishness. You must be willing to abandon both of these vices for this process to work. They will ruin any relationship every time, and any trace of them will make a bad relationship worse. Ready? Take a deep breath…
1. Meet them on their turf. Invite them somewhere where they are comfortable, and doing an activity they enjoy, but where you can still talk (eg. A baseball game, fishing, dinner in a nice restaurant), and be prepared to foot the entire bill yourself.
2. Admit your wrongdoings. At an appropriate time, acknowledge the areas in which you have really screwed up, leaving nothing out. Be prepared for them to add to that list.
3. Apologize. Tell them you are sorry for each and every thing that you mentioned and that they mentioned. This is where the pride thing hurts the most. Do not argue with them. If they mention something for which you do not feel you should be found guilty, apologize for it anyway. You are not a good judge of what your child’s feelings are or should be. If they say it bothered them, it probably did! Allow them their time—this is about their feelings, not yours. It will certainly be difficult to keep your mouth shut at times, but if you defend yourself during this process, they will not see the humility or the sincerity of your apology, and you will have wasted your time.
4. Ask forgiveness. Have you ever been taught how to apologize and ask for forgiveness? Probably not. Practice this one in the mirror a few times before you try it when it counts. It is not easy. When you ask forgiveness for each and every item you apologized for, be prepared for your apology to not be accepted. Be prepared for your child to get angry with you and say some biting things. Respond with silence, and let them vent. These feelings have most likely been stored up for a long time. Your child may even leave. Whatever happens, do not look at it as failure. Depending on how bad you have screwed up, you cannot expect all the hurt to go away just like that.
5. Repeat the process. Continue to ask for forgiveness until it is granted. Perseverance pays. Even if it takes several meetings. Chances are they will forgive you eventually. They may just be testing your genuineness and sincerity. Every kid craves a good relationship with their father whether they admit or not. Be patient.
Follow up!
Let them see that you meant what you said. Now that you have the door of your relationship back open, work at removing the hinges so it cannot close again. Eliminate those things in your life for which you apologized. Never let your pride or selfishness rear its ugly head. Continue to seek opportunities to spend quality time with them—you may have a lot of catching up to do! Be cautious not to overdo it, especially if you have been removed from them for a long time. Now start being a father first...and a friend second.